


California Gurls

by EnobyQuest (Ymir14)



Series: E.T. ft. Kanye West [2]
Category: Bleach
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Deliberate Badfic, M/M, Multi, Read at Your Own Risk, Vacation
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-14
Updated: 2016-05-14
Packaged: 2018-06-08 07:42:59
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,435
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6845530
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ymir14/pseuds/EnobyQuest
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Trouble in paradise? Yes! The paradise of Ichigo's love life (and rectum) is invaded by a new contender for the recently-filled vacancy in his heart.</p>
            </blockquote>





	California Gurls

**Author's Note:**

> I'd say I'm sorry but we all know that's not true. Stay tuned for the next chapter! Will Ichigo stay with Kon? Does he deserve to? Is Rukia still the witness (and voyeur) of this cat-astrophe? (get it because Kon is a lion and Lions are Cats.) Find out next chapter! apter! next the chapter! Is Rukia still the witness (and voyeur) of this cat-astrophe? (get it because Kon is a lion and Lions are Cats.) Find out next chapter! next chapter!
> 
> For reference, I have no idea who Hitsugaya is or what he looks like. I asked my friend for a random male character. I'm picturing a really buff version of Riku from Kingdom Hearts. next chapter!

“Brah, never knew you were a furry. Just my luck I washed up here with a furry.” The short black haired short girl said while Ichigo kissed his lover; they were both decked out in their birthday suits but for Kon because he’s a stuffed animal plushie that just means Ichigo was naked.

“There you are Ichigo.” Kon said as he walked into the room on his petite toddling stuffed little lion feet.

“Oops” said the strawberry-blonde as he dropped the imposter-lover to embrace and make out with his real lover-lover. His fleece mouth was like an ocean. When he came up to breathe from the gulf of Kon he cried to Rukia: “I’m not a furry bro.”

“Brah.” Rukia said, kick-flipping her surfboard with a short-person’d foot. “ _Brah_.” She said again, staring at the tall teenager over the top of her California surfer shades.

“He’s a real boy.” Ichigo said to reference to Pinocchio based on The Adventures of Pinocchio the 1883 book by Carlo Collodi which was a children’s book.

“Brah, you’re a fuzzy.” The beach-ready-bodied-reaper decreed. She looked at both plushie and almost-a-man boy alike, their passion flooding around them like an ocean, a glassy wave that she couldn’t ride away from the mushfest. They were in the living room and Rukia wanted to go surf but instead she was stuck watching them make out because she couldn’t not supervise this inappropriate conduct and union of man and weapon.

“Bro.” The super-souled strawberry boy shot back sharply like a shotgun with a sniper scope.

“You’re a straight up junkyard dog. Snogging like a dog. Shooting the curl with this gnarly situation. Let me kill it.” The small girl said in a smarmy, sarcastic soliloquy to someone or perhaps no one at all.

Ichigo sobbed in salacious sadness and Kon symmetrically did so in sympathy. “That’s not funny!”

Then Chad had appeared. Hello Chad. “Hello Chad.”

“You’re very oaken today, like an ocean. An oaken-ocean.” Ichigo greeted his friend Chadomaru. Chad had gotten taller ever since they arrived in California and the strawberry blond was always happy to see the brunet.

“ _Star Trek: Into Darkness_ wasn’t that good.” Chado said while glaring at Khan.

“Goodbye Chad.” Chad said as Chad disappeared like an ocean tree into the palm lined sunset as he waved his hand goodbye. It was always sunsetting in California. They were in California for vacation with Chad and their classmates and Ichigo brought Kon.

“Ichigo! You should fuck something less hairy.” The petite noirette the objected as soon as Kon and Ichigo began dry humping once more, the lionette smothered by Ichigo’s long body.

10 minutes later in the afterglow the redhead responded: “You should not watch me fuck things.”

Rukia yawned, then lit a herbal cigarette. “Can I vape in here?”

“I have us both covered.” Ichigo said while he set up the smoke machine in their family room. The room of their new shared family, and he put the vape filter in the smoke machine and turned it on. The smoke machine was Ruika’s one month anniversary gift to the happy couple. It was so she could hide in the smoke while the other two got it on; and Ichiho doesn't know if it's because she wanted to watch or wanted to not be able go see.

But suddenly another man burst in! He was tall (er than Rukia lol) with shining white hair and a rippling 8 pack cascading over his curiously tight board shorts that matched the black-haired pale girl’s board shorts she was wearing as a shirt.

“How did you get in here?” Kon asked, standing up on his tiny lion feet, slightly wet from Ichigo’s saliva and sweat. In the California heat it must have been completely unbearable. (get it, because he’s a stuffed animal and bears are the most common kind of stuffed animal.

“Ichigo! Don’t talk to this hoser, brah.” Rukia commanded, frowning at the intruder’s intrusive intrusion.

“Sup ladies?” The manly boy said, snickering at everyone in the room before he began choking on the vape gas that filled the room. Kon looked offended; that smoke machine which was hotboxing the room with their vaping was the short black haired short girl’s anniversary gift to him and Rukia. Ichigo was mostly offended because he was not a lady because he was clearly too tall to be Rukia, the only lady in existence.

The boy who possessed too much soul power screamed. “What’s your problem!”

“Sado left your house unlocked so I thought I’d make my entry.” He replied with a devilish grin, hair tousled from the California waves and wind and salt from the bitter celebrities. He must have been swimming in the beach all day while Ichigo vaped. They were never meant to meet. Opposing forces. An unstoppable force meeting an immovable object.

“Ichigo why does Chad have a key.” Kon asked, crying an ocean of tears. He then leapt to the logical conclusion. “Are you cheating on me?”

Before Ichigo could answer he watched his lover or maybe ex-lover leap out the door and into Chad’s arms because Chad came back because he anticipated this and wanted to make Kon his because Khan was bad in Star Trek and Genghis Khan was worse but Kon was his. The strawberry blond tried to follow him but the short stack of love engine blocked his path, like a sleeping snorlax.

“Who the fuck is Sado” Ichigo said, feeling sad-o himself. He doesn’t know how to make it up to Kon, and this new man clad only in bright orange swim shorts and fine musculature wasn’t letting him try. He was going to die like this of a broken heart in front of a strong, salacious, salad-eating, sandy and seductive pale adversary.

The nuisance whispered in his ear: “Does it matter? You’re looking very hot when you’re crying right now because your heart is breaking.”

“Ichigo this one isn’t a furry.” She helpfully supplied because she was speaking the truth.

“Bro.” Ichigo said to Rukia very very sadly.

“Damn right my name is Hitsugaya.” Hitsugaya said and Ichigo guessed that made sense but he kept trying to run away from the problem that was his south pole pressing stiffly against his pants because he didn’t wear underwear and this barricade between him and his love was shredded and had a rippling 8 pack of abs.

Ichigo stayed determined. “You’re not a furry! You’re not him!”

He didn’t give up, he would never give up. The fire in his eyes burned like the fire of Ichigo’s hair and his burning bush of pubic hair. Ichigo’s face burned too because he was blushing too hard from arousingness. “I could briefly replace him in your briny depths.”

“My depths belong to him alone!” He shrieked, realizing that he was being trapped by this handsome mysterious stranger who was named Hitsugaya.

“Bed with me tonight in this bathroom.” The silver haired mysterious swole child had blocked his way; continually pushing him backwards as he stepped forwards and the other stepped back because he was heartbroken until they were in the upstairs bathroom with Rukia outside the door, his head was spinning. The hothead found the other man very hot but he longed to reconcile with his lover who thought he was cheating on him.

“Rukia! Please bring back Kon to show him how I’m not cheating on him.” The redhead begged her, crying like a widow over her husband's body because he died when she went to the market and he fell down stairs like a dumbass.

“Whatever, Ichigo. Stop wiping out in love.” Rukia said before she closed the door and he heard footsteps indicating she was doing what he asked.

“Fuck you?” The other man asked, the gayness of it all flooding the room like an ocean of gay. It was the perfect ambiance but it didn’t feel right. Ichigo had to prove his loyalty to his one and only citizen of his heart and the only occupant of his genital region of the Ichigo Kurosaki country.

“NO!” Ichi-Ichi go-go whispered. “I have a lovely lover and I am in love with him.”

“You need a real man.” HitsuGAYa insisted while crushing a 6-pack of empty cans against his rippling carbon-nanotubule-enforced-hard 8-pack abs.

The strawberryette wasn't convinced. “Nooo!” He sung with the voice of a thousand rejections, almost stumbling back against the door.

“Do it.” Said Emperor Palpatine. Ichigo agreed, he was being a prude and needed to give everyone a fair chance because he’d only been in love once and Kon left him alone in the house for a day.

“Did you hear that?” Hitsugaya asked, wondering if he was hallucinating Star Wars: Episode 3 but it was too late and Ichigo had already swamped him with his body and his lips.

“Doesn't matter, soon all you're going to hear is your massive dick in my rectum.” Inigo Montoya growled in his ear, grinding his ass against Hitsugaya Jones’ clothed hard appendage while he sat on the toilet. They were in a bathroom.

“Yeah, my dick has that much mass.” Hitsugaya flirted back sexily.

“How many grams?” The blondette asked the blanchette because the measurement unit of mass was grams.

“Lots.” The boy with hair the colour of virgin-snow growled in response because his man noodle was indeed a lot of grams.

“Take me now.” Ichigo said, giving into his lust which was pooling around them like an ocean. Thank god they were in a hotel bathroom; he flushed the toilet so they could both breathe in each other's mouths. The sun was setting outside and Ichigo saw Kon on top of Chad’s shoulders as they walked off into the sunset so he couldn’t help but add on out of spite: “My body is ready.”

“I’ll get it ready.” Hitsugaya said in reference to the fact he had ripped off both their clothes already exposing him to Ichigo’s man meat which was practically winking at him with how it glistened in the light. The redhead could only think about how if Kon thought he was cheating on him he might as well prove it and make it true because Ichigo didn’t want to be in love with a liar.

“You’re going to enter… my backdoor?” The tall boy asked innocently with a dirty and non-innocent smirk, pulling the shorter one’s fingers over to his relaxed pucker with one of his own hands and moaning when he traced over the entrance to his cavern of love.

“I need some…Lube.” The albinistic-crow-haired boy moaned back, faced with the realization that anuses were not self lubricating.

“Social lubricant?” Ichigo offered because the man seemed awkward even though they were about to conjoin like tandem bikes.

“No but this will do.” He replied as he grabbed his toothpaste off the counter to prepare him for his entry, pushing and sprawling him onto the cold tile floor which hardly mitigated the warmth of his skin or in his eyes or between he and him.

5 minutes later.

“No homo.” Hitsu _gay_ a grinned as he examined the Aquafresh ™ brand lube (slippery) toothpaste he used to prepare his love, which was correct in that the tri-coloured stripes of toothpaste failed to mix together and remained red, white and blue; a heterogeneous mixture. The colours of the American flag. God Bless America. Underneath the man the strawberry-blonde lay huffing and puffing, spread out like a smorgasbord of Ichigo underneath his dextrous and crab-like hands. They were ready to begin the sex.

He entered slowly at first, and then faster because he was getting impatient, soon they were fucking and the sound of their making love reverberated around the bathroom, almost like they were learning about the universe through each other's pleasantly moist and turgid bodies.

“The mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell…” Ichigo started to educate his lover...

“The mitochondria might be the powerhouse of the cell, but I’m the powerhouse of your ass, baby.” Hatsune Miku roared and the wording of the words he said made the strawberry boy moan in response to his words.

“What’s your GPA?” He had moaned previously. (last paragraph)

“12.0” HitsuGAYa said because his school operated on the 12 point system even though they went to the same school. He was sweating from exertion as his man carrot continually was removed from and reinserted from the the other’s disk drive of love.

“Oh! Oh god that turns me on you’re so smart” The tall boy withered, back bowing because he felt like he was going to shoot from how good the sexing was.

“Ahh bbg are you a sapiosexual?” The white haired anime ~~protagonist~~ seme asked, calling the orangette his baby girl while reaching down to hold onto Ichi-Ichi go-go’s Ichi-Ichi no-no.

The strawberry-blonde began to gently trash like a mosh pit in slow motion or a roomba trapped in a corner with his lover’s ministrations, the pleasure jolting through his veins was too much to bear and he could hardly take it. It felt like the steam in his blood was pushing him like a steam engine towards the brink of glory. “Yes. I found out a year ago when I came during my calculus exam because the questions were harder than your magnum dong.”

“Oh yeah baby talk to me, your what exam?” The platinum blond asked, driving his sex pistol deeper and harder into his lover making them both incoherent with filthy sex and dirtier talk.

“My, nghhh.” The babbling strawberry boy tried again, incapable of finishing his sentences between surges of pleasure as his new lover’s monster snake kept slicking up against the special spot close to his core. His core of pleasure in his body.

“What?” The snowette prompted, ramming Ichigo like he was losing all his random access memory (RAM) because he was filling it all with how nicely his lover’s dripping cavern was choking his ivory scepter.

“Nyaaaa~” The redhead with bedhead mewled, skittering his long fingertips across his bed companion’s sinfully sinuous back. He was so turned on, he felt like he was going to come a large body of water (Pacific or Atlantic.)

“Gonna have to say it louder, bbq.” Hitman: Reborn grunted, periodically pummeling his peer with his perilously palpably paramount picturesque penis.

Ichigo sobbed, writhing in organic, free-range orgasmic pleasure. “You know, like-”

“NYAH?” Kon screamed, the betrayed sound filling the room like an ocean; just having burst into the ocean-view bathroom just moments ago.

 

The End. Or is it? (It’s not, find out next chapter! next chapter! next chapter!)


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